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I'm still fucking sick as shit. SO sick. Like laying on the couch wanting to die sick. Nurse called today and told me to take 2nd dosage of a full Z-pack, as the blood loss is going to make me heal slower. Fucking fabulous. I can't take anymore of this. Really. I can't.

Haha god - joke's over. Rollercoaster fertility treatments, ohss, scarily low beta (remember? 15 at 11dp3dt? good one.), the "this is not viable" talk?, the "this is most likely ectopic" talk?, the 1:67 chance of downs, the velamentous cord, the placenta accreta, the 3 other placental issues, the breech position, the version, the epidural that doesn't work yet I still tried, karl's "moist lungs" (I didn't blog about it, I needed to keep negatives from him to myself), my blood loss, my emergency surgery, blood transfusions.

And now pneumonia? Seriously? I mean really?

Oh yes - and I truly think I got my PERIOD today. Awfully crampy past two days and after finally getting down to just spotting, I get a full flow today? REALLY?

Yes, joke's on me. It's been a good one. Quite a knee slapper. What's next? The fucking plague?

Jason Veritek agreed to a $5 million one year deal, with an option for 2010. Thank you Red Sox for keeping our captain. Baseball does have some heart left, no?

Do you comment on my blog? If so, I should be reading and commenting on your blog. I subscribe to 174 blogs. This does not include private blogs, as reader doesn't show them as updated. This aspect drives me nuts, as I use my reader 99.9% of the time to tell me when to read an updated blog, so I miss or I'm late with all of the private blogs I have an invite to. Tip to all of the private blog owners out there - set up a notifier blog that is public. Every time you write a new post to your private blog, simply type a quick sentence in your public blog so your readers can be notified. Bree did this and it was awesome.

Anywho, I read all of my subscribed to blogs. And I comment on all of them too. I don't comment a lot, but I should comment enough for you to know I am a regular reader. (I'll admit when I get behind I don't comment at all, but I do scroll through all the blogs, getting myself updated, knowing I'll comment with the next round of posts.) So if I'm not commenting on your blog, you probably are not in my reader. And if you comment on my blog, I ~want~ you in my reader!

So, please, leave a comment to this post if you believe you aren't in my reader (and you want me to read what you've got to say!). Leave the URL if your profile does ~not~ link to your blog.

Also, there are a few of my regular commentors who own private blogs and I would love to be invited! My email is listed in my profile - I would greatly appreciate it if you invited me into your world if you are a regular reader of my world.

My readers and commentors are so awesome, I want to give back the support you all give me. So please, please, please, make sure you are in my reader! If you aren't sure, leave a comment so I can be sure myself.

Thank you!!!

I have a rule of mine where I don't air my family's dirty laundry via this blog. Yeah, maybe a funny episode here and there, but not a post full of venting. I think karma came back and bit me in the ass because we got into a rather large "fight" within an hour of posting.

Instead, I'm going to go over some of positive things I already spoke of and a few more I want to add. Plus a bunch of pictures. By the way, I'll eventually only post kid pictures on my motherhood blog, but I'll make the transfer over slowly, since the baby is still new and people still want to see him.

First, this is much like the ring Tom surprised me with after giving birth to karl. Except this picture is a smoky quartz, where I have brown topaz. Diamonds surround the stone and then go down each side of the band. Beautiful, eh?


Tom has also been a really good dad, taking care of all aspects of the girls. Last night I found him braiding barbie's hair. Such a tough guy and here he is, attending tea parties and braiding the hair of a barbie. He's helping a lot with karl too, but for the most part, when I'm on maternity leave, I do 98% of the work for the newborn. It's been like that with every kid. It would bother me if I didn't know just how much he ends up taking on once I go back to work. I don't know if it's a subconscious thing or not, but it's something I accept and won't fight over.

What I enjoy most about Tom's fatherhood is there isn't anything he doesn't do. It's not that he simply does what needs to be done at home, he doesn't think twice about taking the kids ~WITH~ him on errands, when I need a break, to allow me to sleep in a quiet house, or just because he wants his girls with him. He's taken the kids out of town on his own when I couldn't go with. When I go out of town on business, I don't have to leave him with instructions and I am 100% comfortable. How many women can say this about their husbands? Unfortunately, not all women can. And I know how lucky I am.

I still have to download all the pictures from my new camera, which is going to be one hell of a task since all pictures since Christmas need to be done. But I have taken some more pictures on my cell phone. Too bad all the pictures I have of my little man are from such a shitty camera!

He's in his sling here, all balled up. It amazes me the kid is comfortable this way, but to him, the sling is where it's at. I'm sure it mimics how he felt when he was in my belly. The motion, curled up, the sounds, etc.


We had to venture out in the snow and 6 degree weather on monday when I had to go to the doctor. I usually don't have him wrapped up too much, as they don't really need such heavy covering. Rule of thumb - your baby will feel the same way as you feel if dressed the same. If a sweater and jeans keep you warm, a similar outfit will keep your baby warm. I just cringe at how mommies out there wrap their babies up in blankets regardless of the temperature. Last week, it was in the 70s and I saw a mom in shorts and a t-shirt, carrying her baby who was not only wearing a ~snow suit~, but had a blanket too. Poor baby!


Bath time. He loves the bath, although this picture doesn't seem like he does. He actually looks like an old man to me in this one - very benjamin button like.


I think I posted this one already, but maybe not. He is in a full on milk-coma here. After he nurses, most of the time, he just passes the hell out.


We all went to the mall last week after I picked the girls up from school. I really ~love~ having all 3 kids with me when out. I feel very in control.


No only is he all warm from a recent bath, but he just nursed too. Coma time.

My lungs sounding so bad and since my blood-oxygen level was only 91%, the doc ordered an x-ray immediately. Seems I have bacterial pneumonia. Bacterial, because my inlaws gave it to us when they came for the birth. It went through hubby and both girls, finally getting to me. Due to having a compromised immune system (blood loss), it's hitting me harder and it will take longer for me to heal. Awesome.

So, I z-pack it is. Then plenty of fluids and rest prescribed. Ha. Rest. Yeah, right.

My lungs are mush and I cough like I'm gasping for my last breath. My fever hit 103.4 last night and I woke up a few hours later in a pool of sweat (and to a hungry baby) so I had to wake up the hubby to hold k when I literally peeled off my wetsuit.

This is just a cold, correct? I don't want to run off to doctor is I don't have/need to, but wow, I'm really, really, really sick.

But this time, it's my questions to you.

Today I'm asking questions to all the newest mommies out there. (The next one is a huge one brewing regarding a new perspective of primary infertility "vs" secondary infertility).

Something I am very interested in is the aspect of expected vs actual. There were so many assumptions I went into pregnancy/labor/delivery with, it made my actual experience not only different from what I expected, but surprising. This makes me question if other's had the same thing happen to them or not.

(If you choose to answer the questions, please cut/paste the questions, minus my answers, as it's hard for me to read through comments of just answers)

1. Early "symptoms" of pregnancy - Was what you actually felt/experienced different from what you thought they would be like?
-- Expected: I assumed when I got pregnant, I would immediately feel nauseated, tired, have a heightened sense of smell, and top it all off with a bad case of heartburn.
-- Actual: I only felt tired and I peed more. Morning sickness didn't hit me until 7 weeks (which makes sense, as m/s is caused by the hcg and it wasn't until my levels were much much higher that I got sick from it). Heartburn didn't happen until late in my 2nd tri at the earliest, since it was the size of the baby pushing up on my stomach, making the acid lurch in my throat. The smell thing was simply an aspect of morning sickness - it's not like pregnant women are smelling superheroes.

2. Many women are afraid they won't be able to tell the difference between a braxton hicks and a real contraction. When you got a real contraction, was there and obvious difference?
-- Expected: I had what I would consider normal BHCs, so I knew those were nothing like real labor contractions. But I did have a few "painful" contractions, which I assumed were totally like the real thing.
-- Actual: I was fucking 100% wrong. Real contractions were so different from what I was feeling and there was no mistaking the real ones for the practice ones.

3. Drug Free Labor. Many women want to do it naturally. Some even go into it without an open mind, thinking drugs==bad, no way around it. A) If you wanted a drug free labor and delivery, did you succeed? B) Regardless of the outcome (opting for drugs or not), has your opinion about natural labor and delivery changed at all?
-- Expected: I wanted a drug free natural labor and delivery, I even hired a doula to help me through it. I was open to changing my plans though, if I needed pain relief, I would ask for it.
-- Actual: After 9 hours of a hard pitocin driven labor and only 1cm of dilation, I asked for an epidural. Unfortunately, due to a back injury where I have scar tissue in my lower spine, epidurals don't work on me, so I still had 3 natural labor and deliveries.

4. Inductions. Many women get tired and uncomfortable at the end and ask for inductions. Did you? If so, are you happy with your decision?
-- Expected: I did ~not~ want any inductions. Period.
-- Actual: I was induced 3 days early with Ella for medical reasons (placenta failing). With Allison, I had 3 days of pre-labor and I was exhausted, so I opted to have my OB break my already bulging bag of water. I would have gone that day on my own anywho, so I don't consider that as an induction, as I didn't get any induction drugs. With Karl, I opted for an induction due to wanting to avoid a c-section. He only did manual versions (turning baby) between 38-39 weeks, so I consented to it as close to 39weeks as possible. Ends up my blood pressure spiked and my placenta started failing, so I was scheduled at 38 weeks instead. I was given cytotec to soften my cervix, but my water broke on it's own, kick starting labor. No pitocin was used. I was happy with all of the decisions, especially the decision with Karl due to the placenta accreta. Having ~my~ OB there to deliver and knowing my history so well saved my life.

5. Recovery. Was recovery as you imagined?
-- Expected: I honestly didn't even consider the general recovery from a vaginal birth. I did hear the stories of how going to the bathroom to poop was scary/painful after an episiotomy or tearing though.
-- Actual: I was ~not~ ready for how painful it was for the next 24 hours. I was literally doubled over in pain where just standing up to shower or to walk to the toilet was hard. I did not know my uterus would continue to contract for days. It got worse with each baby too - apparently this is normal.

6. Post delivery body. Did your own body surprise you?
-- Expected: I actually bought into the "you will look like you are 6 months pregnant" when you leaving the hospital expectation. I brought smaller pants with me to go home in and everything.
-- Actual: The giant "belly full of jelly" freaked me out. I had no clue I would still be just as large, except minus the tautness. I had to go home wearing the same pants as I came in wearing. The after birth belly is the worst part for me, as it's so disgusting.

7. Postpartum bleeding. Were you ready for it?
-- Expected: Didn't really think of this one much at all. I guess I assumed it would be like a period.
-- Actual: I bled for weeks and weeks and weeks. 6 weeks with Ella. 4 weeks with Allison and then again at 6 weeks due to placenta accreta. I'm already starting to taper way off now, only after 2 weeks, but this is due to me getting a d&c immediately following the birth. What I was ~not~ ready for was the first 24 hours and passing softball size clots. They should really tell new moms this.

8. Postpartum period. Anything in this category surprising?
-- Expected: I thought I would ~not~ get AF back because I was exclusively breastfeeding. I knew it was a possibility and I knew I needed (ha!) to use protection because ovulation could happen at anytime, but I just didn't think I'd even get AF.
-- Actual: Imagine my surprise when I got my first AF 6 weeks postpartum and like clockwork after that. With Allison, I had the IUD put in at 6 weeks and I never had a period until I had it removed a year later.

9. Did you experience the "newborn honeymoon"?
-- Expected: I did not know there was a time period after birth where the baby would do nothing more than sleep and eat. I simply thought the personality my baby displayed at the beginning would really be his disposition.
-- Actual: The first two weeks is when I would tell people "Ella is ~such~ a good baby! She only cries when she is hungry or needs her diaper changed!" And then the honeymoon was over. Both my girls really showed their dispositions and turned into a normal baby who cries all the time. I was DUPED into believing I had these super chilled out babies. Sure, some babies are this quiet and chill and never get out of this honeymoon phase, and this is where I get 100 comments from mothers who gloat "oh, not ~my~ baby! My baby was ALWAYS SO GOOD!" But I'm not complaining about my normal loud crying babies at all. In fact, I have actually heard there are definite pros to having a baby who expresses themselves via crying as opposed to a quiet baby.

10. Sleep deprivation and general feelings of taking care of a newborn. Did you have any idea just how fucking hard it would really be?
-- Expected: I knew it would be "hard" and I knew I would be "tired". But how can you really be ready for something you have no clue about? I had been around newborns when my sister lived with us after she had both her babies, so I thought I had a leg up on the knowledge.
-- Actual: No clue. No fucking clue at all. I still can't believe how hard it is to take care of a little being who doesn't do much at all. But I soon learned that out of 24 hours in a day, 22 hours are needed to take care of your newborn. The other 2 hours? That's for you to sleep, eat, shower, etc. And sleep deprivation? Holy shit. I used to party like a rock star back in my college days and afterwards, so I knew what it was like to be tired and hungover. The sleep deprivation from a newborn is nothing like I have ever felt. It's all encompassing. I won't even try to explain it here, as it just can't be put into words.

Extra Credit: Is there anything else in regards to expected vs actual you would like to share?