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What very normal things does your close family/friends do that just drives you crazy? And I'm not talking your normal "pet peeves" here that would probably bother just about anyone. I'm talking about the thing someone does that would ~not~ bother anyone else, but to you, it'll drive you absolutely up the wall?

For me it is the way my husband eats everything in twos. I don't think it's possible for him to put ONE chip in his mouth. Or one french fry. Or one of any 'finger food' small enough to get two in. Which, unfortunately, results in a larger bite, resulting in a louder crunch. The guy eats with his mouth closed (most of the time), but the initial giant bits of two just is too much for my brain to bear.

He's eating doritos right now and two at a time, he's sticking them in his mouth. And of course, he's not eating them in more than one bite, so the mouth opens as wise as possible as he sticks two of those chips in there. And as the mouth/lips are closing, the gimongous ~CRUNCH~ flies out towards my poor, innocent ears.

I can not stand it! I literally have to get up and go to another room until he's done. And watch out if I say anything! Oh good lord, no! Apparently it's my problem and that's that. And maybe it is, but after 10 years of knowing how much it bugs me, I don't think I have much chance at getting this little thing "fixed".

Ah well, it just makes my purchase of my noise cancellation headphones even that much better. I put these babies on and pure silence, even 8 feet away from chipman.

So tell me, what silly *seinfeldish thing bothers you?


* I call these things "seinfeldish" because on the television show Seinfeld, Jerry (and cast) would find some inane little thing about someone and that would be the reason the relationship would work. ie: close talker, man hands, etc. I think "chip eating" would definitely fall into this category.

I need something new to talk about because although funny, it gets old quick. In my two years of blogging, I've had my share of whackadoos and people who don't like me. I usually just ignore it, but every now and again, I love to point out how ridiculous someone is. And as chicklet pointed out, it's also ridiculous of me to indulge in it too, but it was just too funny for me to ignore sometimes. Usually, people pick a few things that I do that they don't like and concentrate on that. But this time, it was all stuff that was totally made up and taken out of context so it was super east to make fun of and laugh at.

I wonder how other people think about this ... I actually LIKE that everyone doesn't like me. In fact, I actually enjoy the knowledge some people despise me. It tells me that I'm not someone who just goes with the flow of everyone else. I'm not boring. I'm not afraid to give my opinion, even if I know it could be unpopular with some people. I stir real emotion in some people. Of course I don't want to simply be mean to someone (except in response to someone who posted a giant blog post dedicated to calling me a bitch and to spread lies. That's defamation.) and when giving my opinion, I will ~always~ leave room for the other side, as I respect people have differing opinions. But I personally take it as a compliment when someone would go through so much work to show their distaste in me. Does anyone feel the same way as I do - in that being liked by ~everyone~ isn't actually a good thing?

I figure if ~everyone~ liked me, I wouldn't at all be exciting. I know some of those people in the world, where they are always accommodating and always nice to everyone. These people never have strong opinions on any topic and if they did, they keep it to themselves.

I don't want to be like that. I would rather be really liked or really hated. No in-between with me. Ask anyone who has known me for awhile and ask what they think of me. No one shrugs their shoulders and says "eeeeh, I don't know".

So whackadoos, thank you. Thank you for letting me know I'm getting what I'm trying for. Thank you for actually boosting my self esteem and ego. Thank you for reminding me I'm not becoming boring and I'm not simply mediocre.

I'm putting up a poll at the very bottom (on the right) for you all to chime in. Please take a moment to answer?

updated: sorry if your feeds/readers got this as a "new" post. I had to update something mid-way through, marked with an asterisk.
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Isn't it funny how 100 people can read the same thing and ~1~ person takes it completely and totally out of context? heh.

~ when I was explaining the "boards" - I was explaining them from MY perspective and how I felt. When I said "officially bitter", I meant ME. Apparently anon is VERY upset I called her bitter, but I was really simply calling ME bitter and the feeling in general.

~ I was called an "IF basher". That's fucking awesome because it's like the absolute furthest thing from what I am. Why not call me a man while your at it because that's the opposite of what I am too.

~ I was told "chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages should count"! Um, yes? I think they should too, when did I say they shouldn't be? I was posting about how too many doctors diagnose based solely on a heavy period without even looking at situation . When did I ever say these horrific evens shouldn't "count"? Let's just start making some stuff up, why don't we?

~ Anon is "never coming here again!". Awww, I'm so fucking bummed out. Someone who just makes shit up, reads things out of context and who resorts to name calling isn't going to be reading me anymore. Damn, I'm ~so~ sad. Can you all please send me good vibes for the overwhelming loss I'll be feeling today? I'd really appreciate it. (~wink~)

Ahhhh, it's a good day. When I'm able to really make people think and disagree with me, it means I'm doing my "job" here. Anonymous freak outs aren't really what I'm going for, as I'd rather have someone leave their name and approach their disagreements like an adult so we can actually have a discussion. But it IS the public internet out here, I can't make people take an IQ test before displaying my blog to them. Or can I? That'd be awesome. But then again, how boring to only get grown up opinions and disagreements passed to me. I kind of like the mudslinging, I was really good at dodge ball when I was little (except I don't like throwing it back).

In case anyone is interested in Anon, here's her *bashing blog post about me. Isn't it AWESOME? Her comments are cool too - she thinks I should be totally okay with her telling un-truths about what I have said and her calling me names (i'm sorry, but name calling, to me, it the funniest thing ever. ~So~ elementary school.) and I need to stay off her comments! But she can totally leave ME comments, calling me "BITCH!" and the like. I think we need to send her a dictionary with the words "hypocrite" and "ironic" circled. It may help.

* She removed her post and replaced it with "your a bitch and you can blow me." Should someone maybe tell her that it should be "You're a bitch"? I mean, if she's going to reduce herself to simply calling names and not stand up for any of the idiocracy she first typed, at least it should be grammatically correct, right?

~ She's upset I didn't reply to her, but I really try not to post on the ttc board. And she posted way after all the supposed "drama" was over and posted about a terrible late term loss in the same post as when she replied to me. I thought it really innappropriate for me to leave a comment in that string. But then again, she totally obviously hates me, so why would she care if I responded to a fake apology?

~ The "drama" wasn't actually drama. There was a message posted about a "graduate" who hurt some girl's feelings and I went to say I hoped it wasn't me because it would have been unintentional. I hoped it wasn't from my blog and it wasn't. And then she posts about "drama!" when it's all her doing? I'm simply responding to someone bashing me.

~ She said her board is not bitter. Back to what I said above. I was bitter when I hit 12 months as most girls would say they were too at that mark. And then she goes on to explain why they should be bitter. Which doesn't really make sense since she is simply discounting her own argument. I guess she's going with the "We're not bitter, but even if we were, we're allowed!" stand. There is nothing wrong with being bitter you know, I certainly am! Or was. I admit it with pride.

~ I'm not "infertile" apparently. YAY!!! My first baby was conceived in only 18 months without treatment. Apparently this doesn't "count" to her even though I had diagnosed endo, surgery and medicated cycles. (although as a pointed out in comments, she's been trying 18 months without going to an RE, so how does she count and I don't?) And my 2nd baby was conceived in one try. Haven't I always explained how fucking lucky I was and how I thought I wasn't "infertile" at this time? I did not expereience "infertility" with my second, never ever said I did.

~ She "might" consider me "infertile" with my 3rd because I went through "some" procedures. Yeah, just some. I was diagnosed with Asherman's syndrome which means I am full of scar tissue. I was diagnosed with mild endo, which was removed via laproscopic surgery twice (once being with my first). I was diagnosed with LUF syndrome, which meant I grew follicles, but didn't release eggs - so for me to ovulate, I ~had~ to be forced with an hcg trigger shot. And I have ridiculous sub-par lining. Totally "fertile", eh? My RE told me any of these reasons could have been why it took so long to conceive #1. For #3, my procedures (you know, "some" of them) were: 4 surgeries for a uterus which was sealed shut with scar tissue. 3 IUIs. 3 medicated non-IUI cycles. 1 mock IUI cycle. 1 IVF. 1 FET. Then she goes on to say, and I quote, "i dont think that tags you as infertile, i believe it had more to do with your age." heh.

~ Some how she thinks I'm discounting chemical pregnancies and early miscarriages. Totally not. Already talked about that above. I discounted doctors who diagnose m/c too quickly. She gave her example of her m/c and it's just a terrible thing to go through and somehow I don't think that "counts". This one made me sound so horrible! I can't believe she got this one so backwards.

~ I should point the "bitter" finger at myself. Um, I always have. :) I'm totally bitter and have always admitted that!

~ I should NOT complain about pregnancy. I should thank god everyday I'm pregnant (I do). And I'm a "sarcastic negative bitch". Duh. Well, I'd remove the "negative" part.

Okay, okay, I'm done. :)

I guess there is nothing left but to do what she asked me to do and "blow" her. Except I'm not too sure ~how~ that can be done, seeing she doesn't have a penis. Actually, maybe she does. ~shrug~ I really don't know anything about "her" (leaving room open if "she" is a "he" due to the 'suck my dick' reference she gave).

There have been quite a few ETs this week and lots of personal rationalizations for the question "how many to transfer?" floating around. And it brought up my own thoughts about it and how crazy my own transfer was.

As any reader of mine knows, I'm ~very~ against transferring more embryos / IUI with more follicles than you are willing to carry. I am personally against using selective reduction to "reduce" babies that were deemed as "extra" when there was a chance all along at too many babies. On the opposite side, I'm not against selective reduction at all when it was more of an accidental situation like natural triplets/quads/etc. I also completely understand it's necessary to go through selective reduction when there are too many babies to safely carry (for mother or babies) but I will shake my head in disgust if the woman got herself there in the first place. I think these situations could be completely avoided if selfishness is simply put aside and if there are too many follicles to safely go forward with a cycle, take a break so you aren't forced to kill "reduce" any of the babies you may make. Personally, I would rather take more time to get pregnant and even chance getting pregnant at all, than to have to get rid of reduce "extras".

Around the blogosphere lately, I have been seeing the opposite trend with IVF - women going for single embryo transfers or maxing out at two. Unfortunately, I've also seen IUIs and timed intercourse going forward with 5, 6, 7 mature follicles which simply astounds me. My RE would cancel if more than 3 (2 in some cases) follicles were present. But I am betting many REs are cancelling and the woman just plows ahead on her own. Ugh.

Anywho, back to my point. I see these women transferring just one or two and having to really convince themselves and their readers of their choices. How crazy! They are doing such a good thing for themselves and for the health of their maybe-babies! Has the world really gone so multiple crazy that women and their family/friends are actually disappointed if they don't get multiples? Hey, twins are great and if you are willing to carry and take care of twin newborns, all the power to you. But if you aren't excited over the aspect of twins, it's ~okay~ to try for a singleton.

Now, here is where I will admit my complete and total hypocrisy. I went into ET with the "no more than two" frame of mind. And I later walked out with ~four~ embryos. Yes, FOUR. That is more than I could have carried. That is more than I could have taken care of. Yet, I approved the transfer.

Remember when I said no one should have to rationalize their personal decision? My hypocrisy pretty much forces me to it.

I had 2 Grade As (8 & 7 celled) and 2 Grade Bs (6 and 5 celled).

My RE pretty much poo-pooed my idea of putting back two. My lining was ~not~ good, remember? It was only 7mm and they wanted to just cancel me, but I pushed ahead. Plus my age (36) decreased my chances. So now it was between 3 and 4 embryos.

With three embryos, he gave me a 35% chance at a pregnancy. With all four, a 40% chance for a pregnancy. Of that 40%, we had a 79% chance at a singleton, 15% of twins, under 5% for triplets and less than 1% chance for quads. So doing the math, with transferring all four, I had a 40% of a singleton, 6% chance of twins, 2% chance for triplets and .4% chance at quads.

I'm a science believer. I'm a numbers believer. I'm not into fate or some bigger plan. I believe in MATH. So I took in those stats and that's how I made my decision. I didn't see a big difference between the 3 and 4 embryos in the multiples option and didn't want to let that little 5 celled one to die alone in a petri dish, so we included him too. (Funny that we all think he's the one who's sitting very uncomfortably in my giant belly right now, eh?)

The statistics remained though. I had a 60% chance of a BFN. A 31.6% chance of a singleton. A 6% chance for twins. 2% chance for triplets. A 0.4% chance at quads. Could I carry twins? Certainly. Could I carry triplets or quads? I don't know, probably not. And I can pretty much tell you I couldn't care for that many financially.

What would I have done if I fell into that 2.4% chance? Good lord, I have no idea. I felt like I would have to cross that bridge if I got there. But I was the first to admit my hypocrisy to my very strong feelings about not using selective reduction as a tool for better odds at pregnancy. I can tell you I would never transfer 8 embryos or some high number like that, but still, four was such a risk and I don't know how I would have lived with myself if I created 4 lives. I can say I am happy I did it ~now~, only because I know I got one out of the deal. But I still will admit how wrong I could have been.

I first got into this whole infertility/pregnant/parenting community back when I was ttc#1 back in 2002. Since them, I've been fortunate enough to run through the whole gamut almost 3 complete times. Before I blogged, I was solely on the boards all the time. I still "know" many women from all of my go arounds, sometimes being surprised that we actually met on the boards and in not some other fashion.

I was just thinking about the differences between the boards and thought I could make it into a semi-interesting blog post.

TTC-JSO (Trying To Conceive, Just Starting Out). Ahhhh. The innocence of this board. Full of hope and well, they should be, as 60-80% of these girls will get pregnant before having to move on. The problem with this board though is if you know anything at all about your reproductive system, questions will annoy the shit out of you. And if you do have to graduate to the next step of ttc, all the BFPs will also annoy you. Not because you are pissed someone else is pregnant, but because you aren't. It's hard to watch EVERYONE get pregnant without you. Especially when the majority of the BFPs are from the same girls who just assumed they'd get pregnant.

TTC-6+months. And so you move on, a little wiser, a little more bitter. But you are still within those "normal" limits of under a year and still hopeful. The others on the board are now half and half from those who still don't get it and those who are starting to worry because there ~may~ be a problem. The BFNs are wearing on you, but you still have hope. And then the dreaded year mark comes and goes. Off to the next board.

TTC-12+months. Officially bitter. You seek treatment (or not) and you know you are falling into the "infertile" category now. Most everyone on this board follows "board etiquette" as they have been around for awhile now. Much more support is given because the girls have known each other for awhile now and after watching so many others get a BFP and not you, a camaraderie builds. Pretty heavy topics can be discussed and most people understand all about the reproductive system. "Stupid questions" aren't asked anymore and everyone is truly in support of one another. This is also the last place to go if you don't move to treatments. This is "home" to many a broken hearts. I was personally a "member" for 6 months the first time and 8 months the second time. Well, actually longer the second time because I skipped the whole JSO thing (and there was only a 6+ month board), so I was really in one place for 20 months.

TTC-ITSG (Infertility Treatment Support Group). This board has changed recently, so I can't really comment how it is ~now~, but when I moved here when on my first IUI in June 07, it was a close knit group of women. "Rules" were serious here as we were all bitter and very emotionally touchy. You didn't put "trigs" in the subject when necessary, it was pointed out immediately. You didn't see too many lurkers just popping in with their BFP news like you see on the other boards, it felt "safer". These women were women who were going through IUIs, IVFs and FETs. There weren't many girls simply on medicated cycles and really, not many having "just" IUIs. These were the big hitters going for the big treatments. Many failed. Many succeeded. Once you were "in" the group by showing you weren't only asking for help/support for yourself, but you helped and supported everyone else, these women would take care of you whenever you needed them. It was probably the closest group of women I've ever had the pleasure (although unfortunate circumstances) to meet.

And then, if you were lucky enough to graduate, there were the pregnancy boards.

1st Trimester. Oh good lord. I couldn't stand this board when I belonged. It seemed like it was a never ending slew of newbies asking the same questions over and over. And the non-pregnant girls who wanted advice from the 1st tri requesting advice on ttc (which is funny, as most of these girls just got pregnant. You want to ask a question? Ask a TTCer who's been at it forever.). And there is a lot of horror stories here too, as many pregnancies do end in miscarriage, so this is where you see them all. If you have any anxiety at ALL in your pregnancy, this board will freak you out.

2nd Trimester. You are getting in the groove of things, but still, nothing much is happening to discuss. So lots of people talking about gender and the big u/s and the beginning of feeling movement. I've always thought 2nd tri is the most "boring".

3rd Trimester. Birth stories, the question "what should i pack" is asked 1,000 times, labor, movement, complaining, registries, baby showers, women asking for inductions because they are "tired". Ugh. It's fun the first time, but I find myself not being able to really get into it.

PAIF (Pregnancy After Infertility). The home of anyone who understands infertility, not really who went through infertility. There are women who simply got pregnant naturally but had gone through IF in the past. Or women who simply took a cycle of clomid. The majority are, in fact, women who are pregnant after infertility they just had, but it's definitely not a steadfast rule. Everyone is accepted though and no one is deemed "more infertile" than the next. These women stay in one place the whole pregnancy and we cheer each other on. This is where I would call my board "home" now.

PA35 (Pregnancy After 35). A good board for us old ladies ~wink~, but I find that it's hard to be part of the group because of my infertility. Not everyone here understands the trials and tribulations of infertility which is a major influence throughout this pregnancy for me. And there is simply a different "vibe" here. I want to say it's more mature, but I don't want to make the other boards sound immature, although there ~are~ instances of immaturity in the other boards. There is also a different viewpoint of invasive tests here, which are more on our minds because of our age. But I've found that testing is almost frowned upon here and I'm not sure why. Whether it's because of our age and it very well maybe our last "chance" at a pregnancy so why would we risk it? Or that we went into this knowing the risks so we are more okay with the result set. I'm not sure. But I'm not as frightened of the stats of testing because of going through IVF/FET. With everything I went through and the odds I beat to begin with, the risks of CVS/amnio just doesn't phase me as it does others. Again, there is that difference between going through IF and not.


Anyone agree with me? Disagree? This ended up not being such a fun and exciting post.

It seems that I've already written this before, so if I have, please excuse the repeat. But I'm in pain. And when I'm in pain, I like to complain.

My back hurts. I went to doctor today and he wouldn't touch it because it was way to much in spasm still, 3 days later. Awesome.

My shoulder is hurting now because it's compensating for my sore back. Yay.

And in baby news, ultrasound #17 showed this baby is going to be trouble. He's no longer head down but transverse. His head is over my left hip, his butt over my right. His knees are bent in the middle of my belly where as he stretches and kicks, I get it in the top of my belly. So he's definitely uncomfortable.

Hrm. What else?

I have to cook dinner for the family right now and I'm just so not in the mood. Actually, I should have already started because I like to eat between 6-6:30p, but here I sit.

Now dinner is done and we've all eaten. What a ghetto dinner I made. I didn't take anything out of the freezer this morning so we had to make due. We had salad, bagel bites, french fries and pears. Screw it though, we all are full and that's all that really matters.

My husband is watching snowboarding on fuel tv and it's bumming me out I can snowboard this winter! Grrrr. I'll go in first trimester but once the baby is out of the protectiveness that is my pelvis, I just can't chance it. I've been snowboarding for 19 years, but I missed a few seasons. One whole season was destroyed when I broke my leg in half on the first day of the season (took a gap jump and didn't quite make it to the other side, slammed into top of jump, snowboard stopped, my body kept going. Something had to give and it was my tib/fib.) Another whole season was out when I was pregnant with Ella. Last season was out due to my broken foot from roller derby. And now this season, but I'll most definitely get out after Karl is born. I want to go now though! Yeah, yeah - boohoo, poor me.

... for telling me your experiences which are all so very personal and painful. As I read through each of your comments, I felt myself nodding in agreement at everyone's points. I definitely see the differences in early/chemical pregnancies and a m/c which is after fetal tissue has already formed. And there is also a difference between a stillbirth.

It was interesting to see the difference in the post "AFs" after each type each of you described. How a chemical pregnancy is really just like a normal period, maybe a few days late but nothing out of the ordinary and how a m/c after fetal tissue has much more physical symptoms. How a chemical pregnancy is sometimes only barely "caught" due to an early hpt where you get a light bfp for a day or two but how in a m/c is completely different. From what you've all told me, a heavy period with cramping/clotting and even labor-like pain is how a m/c feels - where you would definitely have a +hpt and betas to back it up and even u/s showing sac, yolk, fetal tissue, even a heartbeat at one time. Which just goes to show how wrong a doctor could be who says a "heavy period" without ever seeing a +hpt would be a miscarriage. Without the "evidence" of an +hpt, a severely heavy period couldn't be diagnosed as really anything.

The conclusions I'm drawing here is you would definitely know if you were having a miscarriage, not a chemical pregnancy, due to pain/+hpts/betas/ultrasounds/heavy bleeding. If you "simply" have heavy bleeding or painful cramps, it couldn't be diagnosed as a m/c because there was no +hpt and it couldn't really be labeled a chemical pregnancy because with those, the post-AF is usually "normal". I say "normal" because with a chemical pregnancy, implantation just tried to happen but it didn't really stick around to grow anything, therefore, there would really be nothing more than "normal" to pass.

I'm not trying to make chemical pregnancies be so simplistic. But by definition, a chemical pregnancy barely implants before being shed, so there wouldn't be much, if any, "pregnancy tissue" to pass, therefore for most women, it would be a normal period. Assuming a chemical pregnancy due to heavy bleeding would be inaccurate for a doctor to say because by it's own nature, there should be heavy bleeding because there wasn't time for tissue to grow. I'm definitely not assuming there is never heavy bleeding with a chemical pregnancy, but if there is, it's probably due to how a particular woman's cycle just is, ~not~ because of tissue that grew from a day or two of the pregnancy.

All this is going back to the fact how so many doctors deal with heavy bleeding the wrong way. Nothing here can be "assumed" as I see happening to many women. Heavy bleeding would point to something else before an early miscarriage because there shouldn't be that kind of bleeding in a chemical pregnancy because there was never time for tissue to grow. Especially when all hpts came out negative, I would think other things would have to be looked at.

I just googled "reasons for heavy periods" and found 1 in 5 women experience heavy periods where the symptoms are:
~ Menstrual flow that interferes with your regular activities or lifestyle and causes anxiety about embarrassing accidents
~ Periods that last longer than seven days
~ Menstrual flow that soaks through one or more tampons or napkins every hour for several consecutive hours
~ Menstrual flow that includes large blood clots
~ Fatigue or shortness of breath (which are symptoms of anemia caused by blood loss)
~ Painful cramping

Wow - 20% of women experience those symptoms and if you are ttc, doctors actually tell some of these women "it's probably a miscarriage" when it's a very common ailment for women to have. What a terrible thing to tell someone! The issue should be treated separately from a ttc standpoint instead of using the ttc as a reason. Obviously there isn't 10% of women out there having monthly "early miscarriage"s, they have a very common issue of heavy periods. Which, I might add, could be a reason for infertility because there is a such thing as "too thick of a lining" for successful implantation. Heavy periods could definitely be a symptom of having lining that is too thick and doctors should look at that.

Anywho, I kind of got off on a tangent. I just wish some girls I read about could get the necessary attention from their doctors. Telling a woman she "probably had a miscarriage" when there could very well be a problem due to her heavy periods is definitely an injustice to her.

("S", just in case you are reading, this is totally ~not~ about you. I didn't want you to think just because you have heavy periods I am talking about your story. The people I am actually talking about are girls I don't actually know, just reading about on random message boards and blogs. If I knew them, I'd approach them directly instead of discussing through my blog. And to anyone - if we comment back/forth on board or through blogs, it's also not about you!)