thoughts of knitting needles.

I've emailed a few of you who have been looking for me or responded to "where the fuck are you" posts and yet I haven't replied to many of the "looking for you" comments because at that exact moment, I wasn't responding for whatever reason. (not that i only responded to those who 'count' or any other silly notion like that.)

i've hit the wall. i'm spent. i'm done.

but the problem with feeling like "i'm done" is i can't be done. i have 3 little people dependent upon me. and sometimes a 4th (my husband) but usually when he sees me hitting bottom, he takes care of everyone, me included.

so.

bottom line is my body has worn down. i'm still not healed from my latest surgery. the incision is ~still fucking open~ and constantly bleeding (yes, i'm being cared for by the doctor). i'm in pain (back) which makes sleeping through the night impossible. i even take an ambien to sleep and still wake up in pain. yet i can't take anything else at 4am so i lay there, unable to sleep and very pissed off. i'm seeing my pcp today at 430p for some sleep help. maybe another sleep aid would work better at ~keeping~ me asleep.

i'm down 6 more lbs, weighing in at 135 now (actually, it was 134, but like chicklet, i need to see that 2-3 times over a few days to believe it). And it's pissing me off when people are telling me it's because i'm "sick" that i'm losing weight. No, it's because i'm trying to actually lose weight. It's hard and it's bugging the shit out of me when people tell me "oh, it's because you have been through so many surgeries". When the fuck has being tired induced weight loss? Okay, maybe it has but please stop saying it to me.

See? this is why i'm not blogging right now because I am beyond schnarky.

anywho. i'm alive. barely. but i'll be okay. this happens everytime i have a baby at around this mark. i go from being on maternity leave and doing nothing but vegging out to going back to everything - work, roller derby, nights out, drinking on occasion, blah blah blah and i really shouldn't be because i'm exhausted. and then i have a total breakdown, like yesterday, and thankfully i have the awesomest boss in the entire world who helped me out yesterday beyond measure. speaking of work ... it's worktime and i need to get back. just wanted to let you all know i wasn't hit by a bus.


(oh, the knitting needles title refers to the fact i've told multiple people i want to stab myself in the head with knitting needles.)