Let me rephrase that.

I don't really want another baby. I mean, I do, but I don't. I love my babies and I know I would always love to have more, but I know I'm done. I will miss it all - all the good and all the bad.

If I was younger, maybe we could have another. If we made more money, maybe we could have another. Although I agree with being done, it saddens me beyond belief to really be faced with being done.

I'm just having a hard time wondering what that "next crusade" (in J's words) is going to be. I'm worried that I'm going to lose myself somehow in the world of parenting. I don't want my existence to be summed up in being my children's mom. Yes, they are the most important thing in my life, of course. But, I'm ~still~ nancy too. "Nancy" may be slightly lower in the hierarchy under "mom", but still pretty fucking important. And these titles move back and forth as children grow. When mine are all "gone" out of the house, I certainly don't want the only part of me left being the "mom" title - what would i do with myself?

You know, I use quotation marks totally wrong grammatically. But I use them more for enunciation than how they are supposed to be used. Same way I use tildas. Kindof. Just looked at the last paragraph and wanted to let you all know I'm not a grammatical dumbass. :)