I want a baby.

I just wrote another post on my other blog and I said "I know my audience". Yet I type the above title and write this post.

Jeez, I can barely get started because I'm wincing at all the "fuck you"'s I'm about to receive. So really, just stop reading if you are in the throws of IF. Stop. Really. You aren't going to want to read this.

I am having a really hard time reading pregnancy blogs right now. Especially the ones of the girls who was pregnant while I was pregnant with Karl.

I don't know what it is. Is it because I know I'm done? Or is it because Karl is starting to grow out of his babyness? Or is it because so many blogs I read are close to delivering? Or because so many blogs I read are just getting pregnant again? (yes, I know. I'm so sorry to even be typing these words.)

I'm trying to work out how I can get another baby "in" before I really say I'm done. Isn't that absolutely crazy? I'm freaking naturally "infertile" so I can't have a baby without IVF. And to top it off, I scarred, ON PURPOSE, the insides of my tubes "just in case".

I'm going insane.

It's just that since my circumstances have changed, I don't want to be done. If I'm going to be a stay at home mom (for now), I may as well have all the babies I "want". (go ahead - tell me to fuck off.). I don't want to stop and say I'm all done. I want to take it all back. I want to leave that door open. I can't believe I locked, and threw away, the key.

I'm jealous. I'm absolutely green with envy. Not at anyone in particular. Just with the fact it's a chapter closed for me. Although if I think about it, I'd rather give up my chance at another for someone else searching for their first. It's just such a good book that although I already read it, I want to read it again and again.

But it's over. And I have to get used to that fact. I succeeded with the three most beautiful children and I count each one of my blessings everyday, including today. I still can't believe I'm ending with what I set out for. I couldn't be happier. I do know that. It's just that, well, ugh. I don't know how to vocalize it.

(one last chance to tell me to fuck off.)